Fortunately, Unfortunately

When I was a kid, my parents used to read me a book titled Fortunately, by Remy Charlip, which was a story told with sentences that alternated between beginning with the words “fortunately” and “unfortunately.” The way in which the story was told captured the continuously changing circumstances in which the main character found himself – rapidly switching between favorable and unfavorable situations. This was one of my favorite books growing up, and so I’m going to tell the story of my drive on the evening of Monday, April 27th in the same fashion (this is all true):

Unfortunately, at around 11:30 PM on the evening of Monday, April 27th, about 120 miles South of Albuquerque, New Mexico, an eighteen-wheeler either blew a tire or ran over a tire (it was too dark to see). I swerved in attempt to avoid it, but it was too close and so I ran over the tire on the right side of my Honda. I heard it thunk as it slapped the underbelly of my car.

Fortunately, I did not lose control of the car, and was able to safely pull over to the shoulder to stop.

Unfortunately, I now had to get out of the car to assess the damage, standing on the shoulder of the interstate in the black of night as more eighteen wheelers continued to blow by me.

Fortunately, I didn’t have a flat tire!

Unfortunately, I noticed that the right corner of my front bumper was hanging loose. And my rear bumper.

Fortunately, they didn’t look too bad, so they might not have even been caused by running over the tire.

Unfortunately, that wouldn’t say much for me keeping a close eye on the maintenance of my car.

Fortunately, it looked like I would be able to hold the bumper up with duct tape.

Unfortunately, I think there’s a section in my owner’s manual explicitly stating that using duct tape does not constitute a legitimate repair to your vehicle.

Fortunately, I had “professional-grade” duct tape, which is capable of resisting wind, rain, and snow.

Unfortunately, it is also capable of resisting tearing, and I couldn’t break a darn piece of it off!

Fortunately, I came prepared with scissors.

Unfortunately, they were the little rinky dinky scissors attached to my pocket knife.

Fortunately, they got the job done – I was able to tape up both bumpers and get back on the road.

Unfortunately, after about 5 more minutes of driving, I heard a loud windy noise from the right side of my car, so I pulled over again, sure that I blew a tire this time.

Fortunately, I still didn’t have a flat tire!

Unfortunately, a piece of plastic near the front passenger-side tire was loose and flapping in the wind.

Fortunately, duct tape worked beautifully to reattach this mysterious piece of plastic. The car is finally all fixed and ready to go.

Unfortunately, my stomach picked that exact moment to let me know that I had to go to the bathroom – badly. And there wasn’t a rest stop for 20 miles.

Fortunately, there weren’t many people around for 20 miles either. I clambered up the hill on the side of the road to find a nice, secluded spot. Even if a car did pass, it was pitch black and so no one would be able to see me.

Unfortunately, it was pitch black, and so I wasn’t able to see either. And I couldn’t find my trowel.

Fortunately, with the aid of a headlamp and a rock, I was able to dig a hole and take care of business undetected. I made it back to the car and got on the road.

Unfortunately, there was still a rattling noise coming from the rear of the car.

Fortunately, I was too tired to investigate it at that point. I made it to Truth or Consequences, NM, and called it a night.