Vegas Fo’ Free Ninety-Nine

Vegas is normally all about spending money, so I decided to go against the grain and do Vegas for free.* Here are 8 steps to avoid spending a dime in Vegas and still have a rockin time:

1. Arrive at 10PM and be prepared to leave early the next morning (it helps to have a 10 hour drive planned for the following day). The more amount of time you spend anywhere, the more likely you are to start spending money. And all the hoodwinkers and hobnobbers of Vegas will throw everything they have at you in an effort to loosen your pockets. The trick is to plan your trip to have the minimum exposure to Vegas necessary to reach the maximum enjoyment threshold before the urge to spend kicks in.


2. Upon checking into your hotel, one common pitfall is to be enticed by the free drink coupons. At first glance, this offer seems to be innocent enough – a way to partake in the delicious debauchery of Vegas without actually paying for it – but don’t be fooled! You know very well that as soon as you start to feel good from those two free drinks, you’re going to be sucked into keeping the buzz going, this time on your dime. Plus, it is not likely that you will retain enough willpower under the influence to resist the multitude of temptations that will be thrust your way. JUST SAY NO!


3. Ok, so you’re made it to the Strip with your judgment intact. Time to start exploring! Let’s start at Bally’s - the entrance is an automated walkway through a white corridor bordered by neon rings of light. It feels like you’re entering the Star Trek Enterprise! Ooh and look – there’s a hotel that looks like the entire skyline of Manhattan! And a castle… and a pyramid!
   • At this point I should note that it helps to have been diagnosed with a medical condition wherein you continuously fail to exhibit age-appropriate interests, and seem to be stuck in a childlike amazement for simple things like flashing lights and tall buildings. Because of this, where others of your age will be attempting to flex their machismo at the Texas Hold-em table (I mean, they’ve watched plenty of World Series of Poker, so they’ll be fine, right?) or filling the lonely void in their romantic lives with strip clubs or by buying numerous drinks for pretty ladies, you will be curiously fixated on the giant yellow M&M’s pouch suspended from a glass building. And whereas the former activities are quite costly, the latter is spectacularly free.


4. Wandering inside the casinos can provide ample entertainment as well, and makes for great people watching. But be wary of the flashing lights of the slot machines! While at first they might simply serve to fill your childish mind with wonder, it won’t be long before you find yourself captivated by the glittering machines’ allure, wanting to play “just one quarter.” Fortunately, there is an effective antidote – the methylprednisolone pills (an oral steroid) you were prescribed for your poison oak! A convenient side effect of this medication is blurry vision and dizziness, so that half an hour of the slot machines’ flashing lights will make you feel closer to an epileptic episode than to sitting down to play. Danger averted!


5. Hunger is normally the demise of any plan to resist spending money, so come prepared with plenty of cliff bars and trail mix to ensure a full stomach for the duration of your evening. It also helps to be vegan – no matter how much you’re salivating, it’s unlikely you’ll find anything you can actually eat.


6. As you walk down Las Vegas Boulevard, you’ll see Latinos on the street corners slapping stacks of cards vigorously. The slapping noise is to get your attention, to get you to look up and make eye contact – avoid this at all costs! If you make eye contact you are almost guaranteed to have a card depicting a half-nude woman slipped into your hand, and there’s nothing you can do about it at that point. You might think that these cards are harmless, simply advertising local strip clubs. But no, they are most assuredly the business cards of prostitutes. Now you understand why no one else is accepting any cards.


7. If you’re looking for something exciting like a theme park ride, don’t be tempted into shelling out the 12 bucks for the roller coaster ride at the New York, New York Resort. Instead, try out the diagonal elevators at the Luxor Pyramid. The trick is to figure out which elevator goes to the top floor, and then wait around until a guest from that floor is taking the elevator up (the elevators are room key-activated). The view from the top is pretty sweet, looking down at the Temple of Karnak and a mini city of shops that looks like Agrabah from Aladdin. You might panic momentarily when you try to return to the elevator shaft only to find that it seems to require a room key to enter in order to go back to the ground floor. Don’t worry though – after you alarm a couple by following them down several corridor repeatedly whispering “excuse me,” they will inform you that the door you were trying to enter is in fact not the elevator shaft – walk to the end of the hall, take a right, and you’ll be fine.


8. As you walk over the elevated path from the Tropicana to the Excalibur, a beautiful girl will approach you and say, “Hey there.” Do not be fooled into thinking this girl has any interest in you. Beautiful girls have no business talking to you…unless they are trying to do business with you, that is. Yes, that’s right, she’s a prostitute. To throw her off your trail, when she asks you where you’re headed, tap into you’re your most awkward, dorkiest inclinations; stub your toe and almost trip as you throw your hands up in the air and say, “uh…er…um – just, uh, wandering around, I guess.” Even a prostitute will not know how to respond to this spectacular display of social ineptitude. Having thwarted the final threat, you’re free to stroll the Strip back to the comfort of your hotel room having had your fill of entertainment for the night without ever cracking your wallet.

*Ok, so I didn’t actually do Vegas for free - this should actually be called “How to do Vegas for $33.32,” which is the amount I spent for my hotel room. But I didn’t spend a single cent outside of the cost of the room and probably had just about as much fun as any other bloke stumbling about the Vegas Strip.